Saturday, May 25, 2024

LAMPOON: SUSG elections replaced with ‘survival of the fittest’ trials

by Anna of Arendelle | May 1, 2023

In a statement released by the Silliman University (SU) administration on Monday, the SU Suspicious Government (SUSG) elections will be replaced by a competition modeled after the Hunger Games.

According to the announcement, students who wish to run for office will now have to compete in a series of physical and mental challenges similar to the popular book and movie franchise. 

“We believe that this new system will ensure that only the strongest and pinaka baga’g nawong [most thick-skinned] leaders are elected to represent the student body,” said SU President Beth McCrispyqueen. 

McCrispyqueen explained that they saw many “lackluster candidates” in the past and this new method will help find the “very best, like no other.”

The announcement sparked outrage among students, who said that the new system was “not slay.” 

“We didn’t prepare for this at all! It’s not giving!” said  Concerted Actions to Upend Sure in Elections (CAUSE) party candidate Rick Hubog.

“I didn’t sign up for this, I just wanted to become an officer and help the student body through non-physical and non-combative means,” said Student United to Rise above causE (SURE) party candidate Raya Hyde. 

Some students also expressed safety concerns about the minor challenges, which include sunbathing, water fountain drinking, and heart-to-heart combat.

Despite the backlash, the administration is standing by its decision.

“We’re confident that the best candidate will emerge victorious, and we’re excited to see what they will accomplish for our university,” said McCrispyqueen. 

She added that the administration understands the students’ hesitance on the new system, however, they believe that “it is for the greater good.”

Preparations are underway at Silliman Beach for the first round of the new Hunger Games-style elections set to begin next month. 

May the odds be ever in your favor.

DISCLAIMER: This article is part of the Weekly Sillimanian’s lampoon issue. Any real, semi-real, or similar names, places, people, products, services, and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding details are purely fictional. The article’s contents are to be considered satire, parody, surrealism, and humor.


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