Saturday, May 25, 2024

LAMPOON: SU campus water to be sourced from toilets

by Miyerkules Addams | April 30, 2023

Following water contamination allegations from students, faculty, animals, and resident ghosts, Silliman University (SU) announced that faucets and water fountains will source water from toilets starting Monday. 

According to Dr. Jude-y Ann Cleotoris, vice president of adult affairs, the decision was made after consultation with the Board of Trustees and Silliman Water Head Skwid Whard.

Whard said that the decision will support local businesses “since it comes straight from our very own Banica River.”

Engr. France Isko, SU pollution control and safety officer, said that the new water source has vitamins and minerals vital for the survival and well-being of all species.

Isko added, “Not only is toilet water safe for drinking, it can moisturize your skin, remove blemishes, and give you a youthful glow with its hydrating formula.” 

Meanwhile, some students voiced their disagreement on Twitter, urging the administration to source water from the sea instead. 

For Mike Wazowski, a fifth-year College of Marites and Chismosas student, using seawater is more practical because Silliman is beside the sea.

“If you are really loyal to Silliman, you will only use seawater,” he said. 

Earlier this school year, #BoycottSillimanWater went viral on Twitter after students shared their dismay at the quality of water on campus. 

“Our tuition is so mahal [expensive], like why is our water not good? It should be sparkling water nalang [instead],” said one student in an online rant. 

DISCLAIMER: This article is part of the Weekly Sillimanian’s lampoon issue. Any real, semi-real, or similar names, places, people, products, services, and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding details are purely fictional. The article’s contents are to be considered satire, parody, surrealism, and humor.


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