Thursday, December 1, 2022

Throbbings of a young heart

Pio Jeancarlo T. Villarmente

It has been years already since we had gone our separate ways and yet the pangs of our parting still catch me off-guarded at times. In my mind still linger a thousand questions— questions that will forever remain unanswered.

Was our wordless goodbye as painful to you as it was to me? Do you think of me as often as I think of you? What we had—was it Love?

How I wanted to ask you these  back then, when the branches were still supple and the leaves, green. And oh! How much more I still want to ask you now, even if the tree had long since fallen, and the leaves had decayed away.
But how could I have asked you?
We were too young and our love was too fragile. We lived on separate worlds fated by the heavens to meet only for a moment or two, and then drift apart never to meet again. We walked on the same road, upon the same rocky dirt, under the same scorching sun, and yet we were never really meant to enjoy each others’ company for a long time. Indeed, the moment my heart decided to throb for you; it only set itself up for pain and frustration. And yet, even with all the loss I had to live with when I lost you, never did I cease loving you. Keeping my distance, I often looked at you from afar checking if you were doing fine. You may not know it, but I have been celebrating with you your successes and I have been crying with you in your share of failures. You may not know it, but I have always been with you, reliving the days when we were still together: the days when we held each other’s hands, the days
when I was the only cause of your laughter, the days when you were the only object of my warm embrace.
Now that those days are far behind, let me ask you.

Was our wordless goodbye as painful to you as it was to me? Do you think of me as often as I think of you?
What we had—was it love?

Finally, the day I had been waiting for came. I thought I should see you for the last time and even if it were just for a fleeting moment, I shall be happy. And so I waited for you with an unexpected joy, but when I saw you, my heart throbbed not with happiness but again with pain. I thought I had prepared myself well enough for this moment, for I knew seeing you in the arms of another was inevitable. The sight of you in someone else’s arms tore the delicate fabrics of my soul asunder and I think I would have died of pain right there and then. But, as if to rescue me, your eyes met mine and for a fraction of a second, our worlds were once more locked in an unshakable oneness…
When our worlds parted away for the last time, my heart was left not with joy nor with sadness, but with
peace.
In that one timeless moment you showed me… That our wordless goodbye was as painful to you as it was to me, that you think of me as often as I think of you, that what we had, t’was love.

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