Thursday, April 18, 2024

Stranded on the same ground


I hate idle time. Past hurts resurface. You experience again what you have felt before.

If I could choose lines from a song that best describes how I feel right now, it will be: “It’s hard…leaving her the way when I never wanted to. But because I have learned that love is beyond what human can imagine – the more it clears, the more I have to let you go. I do not understand why I’m feeling so bad now when I know it was my idea. I could have just denied the truth and lied.”

I will never forgive myself for being so dumb. I feel so rotten. Maybe the only good thing that came out from the break up is this article I was able to write for her. But I’d gladly give up writing good articles if it would make her come back. What good do articles do if they are inspired by heartbreak?

Damn, I miss her so bad. I miss her smile. This was what drew me to her. She has that perfect smile that could make anybody melt deep inside. I miss the way she talks, the way she laughs, the way she surprises me with her texts and calls, the way she calls my name, the way she holds my hand, the way she teases me, and the way she loves me.

I have my share of not being able to hold the other end of the line and I definitely have my regrets. I know I could have given more. I know I could have showed her more. I was too scared. If only I believed more and loved more, maybe she would not have decided to leave. Maybe.

In the end, all I had were regrets and apologies for my lack. I am sorry for making her feel not enough when she was more than enough. I am sorry for I was not all that imaginative in thinking of things to do for her. I am sorry if my love was not enough. And I am sorry that I realized all of these a bit too late.

I desperately hope for things to go back to how it was. I hope to wake up from this bad dream. But of all the people I’d expect to give me a wake-up call, it was her. I know she has the right to decide. But I was hoping for a miracle. I do not want to throw away all those memories that easily. However, it was easy for her to move on – that was the last nail that shut the coffin of hope.

Now what? I am here writing about a love lost as if it would do me good…or would it? I have thought of giving up. But as they say, “While there’s breath, there’s hope.”

It’s so hard to forget someone who already became a habit. I pray that our paths may cross once again. When that day comes, I hope we never have to part again. Right now, I will just have to wait and see. It hurts to be away from her and hoping is not easy as it is said. It is really difficult to have to hang on to uncertainty…when every time the phone rings, whenever someone sends me a text message or chat me on Facebook, I’d wish that it was her. I’d wish so badly for it to be her.

It would have been easier to let what happened pazss if she does not mean anything to me or if love was not something that I strongly felt for her. But she was my world. She was my everything. And I was happy. That is why it isn’t easy at all.

Now, I sit here, unable to move on and simply hanging on to a hope that is quite unsure. Until my prayers are answered, my heart would be an empty vessel. Because one Tuesday evening, I lost the world. And my life has never been the same.


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