By Miggy Juice and Miggy Klover
Samukan University (SU) has always been known for encouraging its students to make informed decisions, especially during an election—whether for the student government or its national counterpart.
A seat in the senate is also no easy feat, but a task that is just as daunting as holding a position is choosing the leaders that are right for the position. This challenge often comes in the shape of not knowing who to choose in the first place.
To aid such challenges, SU conducted a pulse survey among its students on their senatorial preferences last Apr. 1 through the r/SamukanU subreddith platform.
“The purpose of this survey is to identify who are the top bets of the SU community. Maybe by establishing the preference of the majority, those who are still unsure of their choices will be swayed to vote for these as a form of unity with their fellow students,” the administration said.
According to the survey, the following are the most preferred senatoriables:
- Hello “Wake and Bake” Kiffy
While this is her first time running for the senatorial post, Kiffy is already taking the campaign period by storm. When she first announced her plans to run through her Instagram page @purplekoolbaker, millions of her followers commended her for bravery by running despite competing with political dynasties.
Moreover, Kiffy’s main platform is “Let’s Wake and Bake, Philippines,” where she plans on establishing a policy that requires all Filipinos to learn how to wake up early (especially students who live near or on campus but are still late to class), and bake and sell yummy goods (to boost their own local economies).
- Kween Fyangie I Love The Smiths
Fyangie, while a product of nepotism and a political dynasty, remains one of the top senatorial preferences for one main reason: her voice.
Besides amplifying the voices of others, she also amplifies her voice that is as cool as winter. This is proven through her cover of “Umuwi Ka Na Baby.” It is also argued that, through her cool voice, Fyangie’s camp will very likely be at the forefront of solving global warming—one cool cover at a time.
- Billy Ordon
The university choosing its own administrator as one of their top senatorial bets comes to no surprise. After all, the Samukan community has always taken pride in its sense of togetherness.
Ordon’s main platform centers on fighting for the poor wages of teachers. As a former teacher herself, she believes that a university’s faculty often becomes the bane of their existence—only prioritizing deadlines and never the well-being of students. Throughout the campaign period, she plans to advocate for her platform by holding a lecture series across different universities in the Philippines and addressing the shortcomings of all teachers.
- Morgana Alabyu
Much like Ordon, Alabyu’s spot in the top senatorial bets is also no shocker. Given her commitment and dedication to improving the campus life, Alabyu was, too, expected to best the other candidates.
Moreover, Alabyu has always been known for her love for campus journalism. She believes that this form of journalism is far more superior than real ones, comparing the Weekly(?) Sillimanian with “poor and unethical” outlets such as Rap-monster-ller and Daily Inquiry. Hence, her platform that focuses on replacing all professional news outfits in the country with students—especially since they are “definitely not easier to control.”
- Melai Imnida Hontiveros
Hontiveros shares the same senatorial aspirations as her sister Risa. Since it was revealed that they were long-lost sisters, Hontiveros believes that her capability to lead also runs in her blood.
In terms of her main platform, Hontiveros plans on replacing Philippine culture with its Korean counterpart. While she believes that the Philippines does have its own set of “beautiful cultures,” she argues that turning our barrios into samgyupsals and replacing Filipino shows with KDramas, the tourism industry will be able to thrive at a faster pace.
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In the circus, or in this case, the elections; we find ourselves presented with candidates that are so uniquely qualified that not even fantasy authors can conjure a character like them. As the Samukan University community heads to the polls, students are reminded to choose visionary leaders to pilot the mission and score the goal.
From Hello “Wake and Bake” Kitty’s plan to bake our way to prosperity, to Melai Imnida Hontiveros’ proposal of turning barrios into K-barbecue joints one KDrama at a time, we can only marvel at the unquestionable genius and incomparable qualifications these candidates have. They all carry a beacon of hope—promising to the people to make Samukan University, which is already absurd—even more.
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DISCLAIMER: This is part of the Weekly Sillimanian’s lampoon issue. Any real, semi-real, or similar names, places, people, products, services, and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding details are purely fictional. Content published during the lampoon period is to be considered satire, parody, surrealism, and humor.
