By Chippy Jason
In what Samukanians are referring to as “the most dramatic academic breakdown since midterms,” a Samukan University (SU) instructor and her students were forced to leave a classroom after hearing the distinct sounds of a boy’s angry weeping coming from inside the walls.
Professor Leigh Verage was in the middle of her lecture when eerie sobs first filled the room. The cries quickly became more intense after being written off as “someone’s unhappy TikTok video playing at maximum power.”
Students looked at each other anxiously; one person in the front row was said to be “looking panicked,” which is the student lingo for “I didn’t sign up for unexplained events during my 6 p.m. session.”
According to those familiar with the matter, the phantom crier was a College of Busy-ness Alternatives (CBA) supernatural senior (roaming the halls for who knows how long at this point) who had just heard about SU’s new infamous strict honors program.
Witnesses said that the weeping boy realized his 3.23 GPA average would not qualify for honors, although this still did not matter considering his supernatural nature.
Dr. Tele Ling, an expert on campus mythology, emphasized that “The Weeping Boy of CBA is simply carrying on a proud Samukan tradition. The spirits who linger for a while also react real-time to the latest campus news. It’s like our version of the Headless Horseman, except with updated spirits who stay for quick bites of the baked siopao.”
Maintenance workers discovered nothing but a tear-stained copy of the university handbook the next day, open exactly to page 42, where the honor cutoffs are listed in brutal, unrounded glory.
Weeks following the incident at the CBA building, the weeping boy was caught with their antics again. Only this time, the supernatural senior decided to take a quick trip all the way to the SU Gym.
Missing the thrill from the university intramurals, the weeping ghost decides to play with the gym’s buzzers—seemingly inspired by the CMC x LAW x COE basketball match. Perhaps in protest of the new honor rules, the repeated buzzers definitely echoed all throughout the gym.
In response, the SU administration only said, “The standards remain unaltered,” in response to a request for comment. However, additional tissue dispensers have been placed across the whole campus.
As an alternative to the final exam, Professor Leigh Verage has added “ghostbusting” to her course. Now, students can turn in their papers using Google Docs, Turnitin, or, in the worst case scenario, a séance.
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DISCLAIMER: This is part of the Weekly Sillimanian’s lampoon issue. Any real, semi-real, or similar names, places, people, products, services, and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding details are purely fictional. Content published during the lampoon period is to be considered satire, parody, surrealism, and humor.
