Tuesday, July 23, 2024

LAMPOON: SUSG releases banned words, repeat-offenders to be expelled

by Ding Ang Bato | May 1, 2023

To alleviate growing tensions between opposing student government political parties CAUSE and SURE, the Silliman University Suspicious Government (SUSG) has released a list of banned words that will expel students if committed more than five times, starting Monday.

The ban will be enforced on all Sillimanians, with the words “sure,” “blue,” “cause,” and “green” at the top of the list.

SUSG President Onii-chan Enratatata said, “This is to make certain that this year’s Hunger Games elections will be as unbiased as possible.” 

However, he clarified that the ban will only apply if spoken. “Using these words on a written medium, such as posters and on the wall is allowed.”

He stated the penalties will be based on the student’s ranking on the SUSG ladder. 

“Regular students will be penalized P100 per offense, SUSG execution committee members will be penalized P500, heads will be penalized P1,000, and the running candidates will be penalized P10,000.”

If any student goes above five offenses, they will be expelled from the university, said Enratatata.

Meanwhile, students took to social media their concerns over the high penalty prices and the “lack of transparency.”

 “What will they do with all that money? SUSG is looking real suspish,” said one student in an online bardagulan [online-fighting].

However, SUSG Vice-President Kya~ Boo said in an interview with the Weekly Sillimanian that all the money collected will be “reallocated for the construction of the long-awaited MedTech building.”

On the implementation of the ban, Boo said that the SUSG Committee on Elections will be stationing disguised members across the campus to catch all offenders.

“There’s no point in hiding. We will en-certain all offenders will be caught,” warned Boo. 

DISCLAIMER: This article is part of the Weekly Sillimanian’s lampoon issue. Any real, semi-real, or similar names, places, people, products, services, and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding details are purely fictional. The article’s contents are to be considered satire, parody, surrealism, and humor.


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